Muy Borracho
by Phish Tacko
Summary: Edward is drunk. What could possibly happen? Relax, it's relatively clean... Excuse the title, my Spanish isn't very good.


Summary: Edward is drunk and some very crazy things happen…

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for Taco.**

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_Ding, dong…_

"Edward, Bella's here!" Alice hollered at Edward as she opened the door.

Bella stepped into the house, taking her sneakers off. She wondered why Alice was giggling so much until she heard a crash coming from the kitchen.

"What's going on?" She asked, looking from Alice to the kitchen.

"Edward is COMPLETELY hammered!" Alice pulled Bella closer to the kitchen. "You've got to see this!"

"Okay…"

"Emmett! Bring Edward out!"

Emmett stepped out of the kitchen, holding a very drunk Edward upright. Edward smiled drunkenly, gripping Emmett's shoulder unknowingly for support.

"Hi, Bella…" he slurred, letting go of Emmett's shoulder and stumbling over to Bella and Alice, tripping over his own feet twice. "Howa yar doing?"

"Fine…" Bella stared at Edward's clothes and turned to Alice. "Is there any reason why he's only wearing a pair of PE shorts and Carlisle's Fred shirt?"

"It's probably best that you don't ask…"

"Whaddaya… sayin' stupid stuffs, doin' stupid stuff…" Edward cut himself off with a drunken giggle. "ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!"

* * *

"Think he's steady enough for the trampoline?" Bella asked Alice.

"Probably. He IS a vampire…" Alice replied, glancing over at Edward, who was playing with his toes. "And I'd kind of like to see that."

"Okay, then. C'mon, Edward, we're going to the trampoline." Bella told him, helping him to his feet.

"SWEET!" Edward pumped his fists into the air and fell backwards, landing with a loud thud and denting the floor with his rock-hard butt. "Hee hee hee… My butt can dent stuff…"

"That's nice, Edward." Alice said as she helped him to his feet.

Alice and Bella were outside when Edward smacked into the sliding door. He fell backwards, laughing as he hit the floor. One of his long pale legs lifted itself into the air as he tried to sit up, rubbing his head.

"Zah… whuz… AWESOME!" Edward shriek-slurred, reaching for Bella as if asking her to pick him up like a toddler. Bella took his hand and pulled him to his feet, steadying him and leading him through the house to the trampoline.

Alice began to bounce, as did Bella and Edward, who promptly landed on his backside, laughing like a madman. He got up, with quite a bit of difficulty, and continued to bounce.

After about an hour of jumping, Alice finally hopped off the trampoline with the grace of a dancer.

"Oi, where ya goin'?" Edward asked, flopping down onto his back.

"I'm going inside. Project Runway's on."

"Oh." Edward sat up and, with Bella's help, stood up and began to bounce again.

After about 20 minutes, Edward got a little too close to the edge of the trampoline and fell off, landing on his face. Bella gasped and hopped off as gracefully as she could manage (which wasn't very graceful) and knelt down next to Edward, who was starting to cry.

"Don't look at me, Bella…" Edward sobbed, burying his face in his arm. "I'm a bad person…"

"You're not a bad person, babe…" Bella soothed, putting her hand on Edward's shoulder and rubbing gently. She continued this for a few more minutes, occasionally whispering in his ear and stroked his hair.

Soon, the two were sitting on the back porch. Edward's long legs stretched out in front of him and his head rested on Bella's shoulder. Bella's arm rested around Edward's waist and her cheek rested on the top of his head, and she occasionally kissed his hair softly.

"Wanna go over to my house?" Bella asked.

"Oui, you're the best person ever!" Edward slurred, smiling drunkenly.

"I know, Edward." Bella chuckled, kissing Edward on the cheek. "Let's go." She pulled Edward to his feet, led him through the house to her truck, and helped him into the passenger seat.

"I ain't paid the phone bill for 300 years." Edward said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, nodding his head.

"That's nice, Edward." Bella started the truck and drove home.

Once they were at Bella's house, she helped Edward out of the truck. Edward, on the other hand, couldn't tear his eyes away from the fence, and he was pointing.

"Oh, lookie…"

"What is it, Edward?"

"A kitty…"

Bella looked over to where Edward was pointing. Taco was standing by the fence, his tail sticking straight up. He bounded over to the two, leaping over everything in his path.

"Hi, Taco…" Bella cooed, lifting her soggy kitten and stroking his head.

"Hi, kitty…" Edward slur-cooed, stroking Taco's ears. Taco purred loudly, sniffing at Edward's hand.

"He likes you." Bella chuckled, turning to Edward.

"Yay, the kitty likes me!" Edward laughed, scratching Taco's head gently. "Y'know, you shoulda name him Purball, 'cause he purrs a lot, like a kitty…"

"Purball, eh?"

"Yea, Purball, 'cause it's a funny name… like that one Mexican guy…"

"Geez, he really is hammered…" Bella thought, handing Taco off to Edward, who was giggling at a lawn flamingo in the neighbor's yard. Edward gladly accepted the chubby gray-and-white tabby, cooing at it and scratching at its ears gently. Taco snuggled into his cold hard arms, purring loud as ever.

Bella had unlocked the door when she heard an odd slapping noise, like bare feet on wet linoleum. She turned around and saw Edward walking toward her, holding her very content cat like a baby. His feet were still bare, which explained the slapping noise, and a crooked grin was plastered to his face.

"I love you, Bella…" Edward crooned, stumbling up the concrete steps. Bella managed to catch him before he fell, but nearly went down with him.

"Whoa, you okay?" she asked, pulling him to his feet with some difficulty.

"Is the kitty okay?" Edward asked in response, his eyes wide with worry and fear evident in his voice, but he was unaware of the kitten still resting in his arms.

"Yes, Edward, the kitty's okay."

"Yaysies!"

As Bella helped Edward into the house, he babbled on about things that had happened when he was human and didn't stop until they got into the living room.

"Hi, mister sofa…" Edward slurred as he sat down on the couch and laughing when he toppled over. "You smell like Bella!"

Bella stifled a laugh as she grabbed her camera off of the coffee table and began to record video.

"The perfect blackmail opportunity…" she thought as she sat down next to Edward.

A few minutes later, Bella noticed that Edward was crying again.

"What's wrong, Edward?" she asked, running her hand through his soft bronze hair.

"T-the couch doesn't… l-love me anymore!" Edward sobbed, pulling a pillow to his chest and squeezing it tightly. Bella helped him sit up and he rested his head on her shoulder and cried.

"Do I want to know?" Bella suddenly heard somebody ask from behind her. She turned around slowly and noticed Charlie standing there with an amused-but-confused expression on his face.

"I don't think so…" Bella said slowly, turning back to the still-sobbing vampire on her shoulder. "It's okay, Edward. I still love you…"

"I'm goin' over to La Push, 'kay? Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"'Kay, dad."

"See ya later."

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10 minutes and 40 seconds later, Edward was still crying, but not quite as hard. Bella had her arms wrapped around his waist and was rocking him gently, humming her lullaby to him.

Taco suddenly jumped up onto Edward's lap and meowed loudly, rubbing his head against his stomach.

"KITTY!" Edward shrieked happily as he scooped Taco up into his arms, his face lighting up. He held the kitten close, nuzzling his nose gently into his tiny snout. Taco purred loudly and nuzzled back, making Edward giggle.

"Can we go eat?" Edward asked suddenly. "Me is hungwy."

"That's probably a good idea…" Bella said as her stomach growled.

"Hee hee… Your tummy makes funny noises…" Edward giggled.

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In the kitchen, after watching in amazement as Bella ate a turkey sandwich, Edward began to dig through the fridge, looking for food.

"Edward, you're a vampire, you can't eat human food…" Bella reminded him.

"But… the kitty told me to…" Edward whimpered, pouting cutely and making his eyes look like they were watering.

"Taco told you, huh?"

"Yeah, an' he told me that your mommy… is so short that she has to, um… slam-dunk her bus fare." After saying that, Edward went back to rummaging until he found a box of Thin Mints. "YAYSIES!"

"Edward, those are mine." Bella warned in an annoyed tone of voice as Edward began to eat.

"Yummy…" Edward slurred as he bit into another cookie.

"Edward…" Bella stepped toward Edward, who growled and jumped onto the counter, somehow managing not to dent it with his rock-hard butt, cradling the box of cookies protectively. "Edward!"

Edward whimpered at the tone of Bella's voice and slinked off the counter, surrendering the cookies to Bella and clutching his belly.

"Listen, Edward, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you could get sick if you eat human food." Bella said gently, resting her hand on Edward's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"My tummy hurts…" Edward whimpered as his eyes filled with venom and he suddenly lurched toward the trash can, bent over it, and threw up.

Bella rubbed Edward's back as he continued to retch and venom continued to stream down his cheeks.

"It's okay, Edward…" she soothed, rubbing wide circles across his back.

After about 3 minutes, Edward and Bella were sitting together on the kitchen floor. Edward's head rested in Bella's lap as she stroked his hair, whispering softly to him. Venom streamed down his cheek as he whimpered again, curling closer to Bella. A hiccup occasionally escaped his throat and he would cry a little bit as she stroked his hair.

"Bella?" A high voice called from the front door.

"Come in!" the front door closed and Alice glided into the kitchen, holding Taco loosely.

"Geez, Edward, you look sick!" she said, kneeling down in front of them, putting Taco down, and looking at Edward.

"He just threw up, Alice, be gentle with him…"

Edward sniffled and reached for Taco, who clambered up Bella's lap and began sniffing his cheeks.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" Alice asked Edward, who was letting Taco lick his nose. Edward nodded against Bella's lap and held his arms out like a toddler so Alice could pick him up.

Alice was surprised that Edward was letting her carry him upstairs. She knew he wanted Bella to do it, but that he also knew she wasn't strong enough.

Alice sighed and tightened her grip around Edward's waist and knees as Edward tightened his grip around her shoulders and laid his head down, swinging his legs gently.

Alice waited for Bella to come stumbling up the stairs as Edward started to fall asleep in her arms. His forehead was nestled between her neck and shoulder, and he was blinking slowly, his eyelashes tickling her neck.

Edward was finally asleep when Bella came trotting up the stairs, pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

Bella couldn't help but laugh at the scene before her: tiny Alice holding Edward, who was at least a foot taller than her, was bound to get her a few really weird looks, especially since she was holding him bridal style.

"Bella, just shut up and open your door…" Alice sighed, shifting Edward in her arms.

"Okay…" Bella chuckled again, but nevertheless opened her bedroom door, which Alice noticed was covered in Hello Kitty stickers.

"Why do you have stickers all over your door?" she asked as Bella stepped into her room.

"I was bored and so was Emmett."

"Who picked out the stickers?"

"Emmett did, isn't it obvious?" Both of them rolled their eyes and stepped closer to Bella's bed.

The springs in the mattress creaked as Alice laid Edward down gently, being careful not to hit his head.

"Wanna see the videos I took?" Bella asked as Alice was pulling the comforter over Edward.

"Sure."

_20 minutes later…_

"This is SO going on YouTube!" Alice laughed.

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**Next up: The aftermath**

**Probably after that: The aftermath of the aftermath**


End file.
